While in hiding those first 12 weeks, I kept a basic tracker on the high/low moments I found myself experiencing. It was a bit dramatic for a bit around these parts but am happy to report that all has been settled in that department :)
April 4, 2012
We found out we are pregnant!! I can't even fall asleep. I never want to forget that moment with Lee. His voice and how he hugged and held me. Overcome with emotion. Need to take pix of hpt. I've wanted this for so long. I can't believe my gut feelings were right!
April 9, 2012:
Im exhausted. Like can't sleep enough exhausted and not because I'm lethargic. I also feel like my blood sugar is spiking and falling faster. The shakes I seemed to notice from the past few weeks definitely had something to do with the pregnancy. Holy crap pregggggnancy. I don't believe it still. There's a constant blobby feeling down there, like I ate too much and can't suck in. There's no forseeable bump at all but it feels funny. My eyelids are droopy. I neeeeeed to get to a yoga class tmrw, my body just feels off, need a good sweat.
April 12, 2012:
I'm tired and want a glass of wine. No 3 glasses of wine. Working out helped today at least making my arms feel that good twinge of sore. Sometimes (most times) I don't feel pregnant, is there really anything on there? I'm counting down until April 30th for our first appt. seems so far away. And the December due date seems even farther!
Speaking of waiting what seems like eons...We've made the decision to wait until 12wks to tell family and friends(even our parents!) and keeping it a secret has proven very very difficult. The white lies make me nervy. How awful is lying to loved ones? Ugh. I can't wait to share the news, god willing, if everything goes well these next few wks. Gosh this all just seems surreal...
I feel like I'm pregnant w twins. Haha, okay not really but yikes I am bloated. I think I'll be 6wks on tues/wed and I already feel my stomach sticking out and maybe even being a bit hard? Being on a bachelorette party as a sober preggo when noone knows is comical. And nervewracking!
April 16, 2012
Wonderful dinner party tonight at SKr's with the girls! So hard to keep a secret. But funny enough, as I said goodbye to Karen she said "congratulations" and swept me into Sarah's bedroom. She had gone to a psychic and was told someone by the name of Sarah had "good news". Welp, she figured it out as I wasn't drinking! Crazy;). What a special moment...
April 18, 2012:
Emergency visit to Dr O as I've had some mild random sporadic spotting. But what did this lead to (aside from a thumbs up diagnosis?) The first photo of our little almost baby :). Little applesead baby. It is starting to feel real now...
April 19, 2012
Everything tastes so bland to me! Im a big fan of egg whites + chives + cheddar on a roll for breakfast and it simply tastes BLAH. I'm hungry all the time and trying to eat small meals but nothing is really appealing except for tart fruit in oatmeal. Strong flavor needed for sure. Oh baby, what are you doing to me!? I got the rho-gam shot today due to the potential blood difference (I'm O-, we think Lee is B+) We aren't 100% sure if Lee's a + type, it's a precautionary thing. I feel good about racing uptown to get it done. In other news, I had a croque monsieur and a rice krispy treat for lunch and it hit the spppooooottt. Salt and sugar are my early preggo vices!
April 20, 2012
Craving green juice! The unpasteurized ones are a no no but I've found a way to get fresh pressed ones, though out of the way it is worth it. Dr said no working out until next ultrasound due to all the spotting. Making me crazy a bit but also realize how much my hobby time of working out fills my evenings. Trying to stay calm. Brain is craving a good sweat.
April 20, 2012
I'm am emotional wreck:( The brown spotting continued this afternoon and I just completely broke down. The doctor keeps saying brown spotting is ok if no cramping, but I'm a ball of years right now. I don't think I realized how much I want this baby for us until now...
April 21, 2012
Could I get anymore cliche? Sitting at LPQ in Chelsea reading "what to expect when you're expecting" and gazing at the edibly cute couple of babies at the communal table with me. I look longingly with happy anticipation coupled with a "oh here goes..." mentality.
April 23, 2012
And it begins. I'm nauseous when I wake up and I'm nauseous when I go bed. In a strange way, I'm so happy for this symptom as I know it means the pregnancy is progressing properly. As the spotting continues on days that I'm active (Saturday) but lazy days (Sunday) give me respite from the spotting and peace of mind.
Silence. There's been alot of reading, music in background, simple silence in our home right now. The news fully sinking in, where a simple look and hug hello after a days work apart conveys it all. So much transition right now, only so much we can do. So the wave of silence has hit. Not a before the storm silence but a soaking it all in and conserving for what's to come kind of quiet. It feels right. It feels sacred.
And there's been tears too. Sneaky sneaky tears. A song that normally would make my eyes a bit misty with memory or feeling have me in full blown droplets falling down my cheeks. I sense motherhood more with every day that passes. I feel a greater desire inside of me that this is what I was meant to be and to do. I'm overcome with joy for what is to come.
April 26, 2012
Ughhh. Nausea + exhaustion= haven't left the apt all day. I feel like someone stripped me of all my energy and goodness. Frustrated and wiped out...but, growing a baby:)
April 28, 2012
Shirly temples, stole that idea from KCS. Certainly not as much fun as an Amarone or Cali Cab but I mean grenadine and sprite is all the a cocktail enough for you, right? (eye roll.) I'm getting the hang of this morning(all-day) sickness and keeping my stomach always not-empty seems to be key. Crackers (specifically I craved matza crackers, I feel like my mom always had those in the house when I was little maybe they helped her severe morning sickness too!), cold fruit, grapefruit juice and applesauce with chia seeds have been my foods of choice. We've had two great dinners out this wknd too and while I loved getting out and about, neither meal sat too well with me. Big meals make me sleepy! I feel like I'm somewhat extra moody and snippy these days too...definitely a heightened sensitivity.
April 30, 2012
Everywhere I look ladies are preggo or with an infant! It's like I have only mama brain on the filter. Oh yeah, and I'm still exhausted. Old news. Ooo, we get to see the ultrasound today hopefully for the heartbeat!
April 30, 2012
We saw your heartbeat today! That little flicker had my eyes well up w tears(I held it together while your Dad held my hand). It was magical. Our little bean now has a 150bpm heartbeat...very strong the doctor said!
May 1, 2012
Baby notes aside, what a month for us. We've been on a rollercoaster of emotions with the apartment search and hopefully have found our new home, a perfect location just steps away from Central Park on west 72nd. In one week we may be signing on a new home, Lee may be resigning from his job at CS and starting at Citibank, and oh, just baking a baby over here that hardly anyone knows about. It's like secretville right now. I'm getting so excited for what's to come!
May 2, 2012
We have a new home! Your father joked that I'd have to give birth in a manger come December because we were coming up empty handed on the apartment search. This will be the apartment that will be your first home--not too shabby on W 72nd and Central Park! Yesterday's adrenaline rush with the new apt fueled me and had as much energy as ever the entire day...but boy did it come back to haunt me this afternoon. Completely wiped out. I do one pregnancy workout video and I'm exhausted!
May 4, 2012
This whole first trimester is no joke. It's taught me patience and many lessons in waiting and trusting my body. I'm feeling physically drained by the don'ts and nos right now(no coffee, bikram, spin)+ tired all the time+ achy+ nausea+ constipated+ bloated. I'm just so done w this trimester. Im on the edge of a total cryfest at any given second. Hello pregnancy glow, are you out there? Tell me this is one of those things mothers forget after they go through it like labor...
May 8, 2012
Accupuncture to the rescue. What a point(haha) of release for me. It gives me the same feeling of bikram in a total relaxed and breathed in sense of life way. Nana's sensitivity and expertise about pregnancy was fascinating and so informative. I was super sensitive to the needles today at first but then the relaxation came, the benefits flooded my body. And now, right now, I feel like my normal self. No nausea. No anxiety. But after so many weeks now of exhaution and queeziness, I almost dont even feel pregnant.
May 9, 2012
Only a few more weeks of this secret! My taste is so sensitive these days, and while hungry, I don't feel like ever eating. I hate becoming jittery, so bland crackers seem to be the choice these days. On my tray now, energy kitchen mashed sweet potatos and a super duper fresh green juice. My life. It's come down to purées already.
May 10, 2012
Oh how life has changed me these past 8 weeks. Bikram replaced with swimming. My normally diverse meal choices and taste buds replaced with cravings of blandness simply to slightly fill me. Hello mashed potatos. Hello raisin bran for 2meals a day. Hello saltines and peanut butter. Who AM I? Learning to embrace the changes and be selfish with what I need now. It's all part of the journey...
May 13, 2012
Andddd there goes my waist. No noticeable bump but I defiantly have lost my waistline. Apparently my uterus is now the size of a grapefruit and seems to be pushing everything to the wayside in there. Today is mothers day and while we are still in secretive mode over here, it's been a fun silent celebration for my "first" mama (to be!) day. Lee's been so sweet and extra sentimental about it. In other bodily news, my curves up top have become so apparent I'm needing to hide these suckers under billowy tops and dresses.
May 16, 2012
Glory hallelujah, my morning sickness and nausea and fatigue have finally gone away for the most part(hi this is me jinxing it now). I was in Albany working a CBA show and was so nervous before attending with all my bodily exhaustion but all went really well. I'm super ancy to get back into yoga after week 12 for the cleansing benefits as well as prenatal ones. My body physically? It doesn't seem like mine. Top heavy is an understatement and the bloat is now definitely something bump like-ish;). Off to Colorado tmrw wtih my love....soaking up this time together!
May 18, 2012
Gorgeous day in Colorado! Did a pretty long hike this morning and really got a great workout in. First in a number of weeks and while I got nervous in the altitude, I felt great afterwards. Nap time this afternoon for sure:)
May 24, 2012
We told the fam today! What a life experience/high/excitement. The video was just priceless! So many emotions, so much happiness...
May 25, 2012
Sometimes I forget I'm preggo. And then a wave of sleepiness + mild sensation "down there" of my uterus and I'm reminded oh yeah, hi nugget. And then I grab milk at the airport instead of a glass of malbec. Here's calcium baby, dont steal it from my bones. I look longingly at the cute bubba & mom at the gate with me and think to myself that will be me sooner than I know it!
May 26, 2012
Auntie Kristin knows about you now and oh my goodness did we surprise her reallllll good;)
May 29, 2012
You gave us quite the scare this morning little guy/girl. After almost 5 weeks of relief from the early scary spotting I had consistently wks 1-7, the spotting returned this morning and it was...different. I'll spare the details and just say thank goodness for a doctors office that could squeeze me in and thank the good lord for your Dad and miracles. (warning TMI ahead). After an emotional breakdown at home and getting an appointment, off Lee and I went uptown to the docs. We couldn't see Dr O but another doc in the practice who I had seen once before. After the intinal internal exam in which she said "cervix feels fine, is hard and closed" she withdrew her hand and there was blood all over her glove. I lost it. My eyes welled. I felt my world collapsing. Deep breaths. I squeezed Lee's hands. The doctor didn't say much. It was one of the worst minutes of my life. I had mentally prepared in that moment to be told I was miscarrying. The doc turned around and said that she simply thinks I have a highly sensitive cervix in which the capplilaries burst easily. And that most likely the baby was just fine. A quick (like super really quick) ultrasound revealed a healthy little baby nugget and strong heartbeat. In fact, the ultrasound probe kindof poked the you and you did a little flip like "hey WATCH it will ya??"---it got us smiling :). But oh what a day...I'll most likely have to deal with spotting and light bleeding the whole pregnancy. But you're safe and sound in there, growing like a weed and that's all that matter. The word of the day is: blessed.
May 31, 2012
Something has happened in the past few months. What I know for sure is I'm so very grateful for the acceptance of change. For years, I would read and soak up from books and blogs how to live my most authentic life. One of gratitude and thankfulness, spontaneity and routine. Ive stripped away layers of who I was to release the most genuine version of myself TO myself and others... and as a byproduct came to love and be my own friend and cheerleader. Lately, and really without even knowing it, I've found I've been most aware in life and simply most at peace with all I've learned and am just doing it all naturally, with ease and mostly subconsciously. My heart swells in a happy sigh of such a place to be in. Sure, my body is changing. Our life as a family of 2 is going to soon be 3. And there are so many stressors that could accompany it all. Come what may, we have one life to live. The adventure of it all is just that, envigorativng in the highs, jarring in the lows, but felt and lived and gracefully swam through.
June 2, 2012
This is the second time in 2mo that I've gotten pooped on by a bird. They say it's good luck and being pregnant, I'll take that as a good sign! Happy wedding day to my sweet Sarah Payne. Last wknd of the secret until we tell friends!
June 6, 2012
And the word is out!! Feels so exciting to tell people about you! The happiness shared with friends and family has been incredible :)
June 7, 2012
Of funny note: your Aunt Elizabeth has been calling you Baby Eliabeth in hopes of you being named after her...it's pretty comical in every email;)
June 9, 2012
First maternity purchase: J Brand skinny maternity jeans. I better wear the heck out if these to warrant the $ tag but they are so comfy!!