I grab the computer and punch out these thoughts that have been passing through my mumble jumbled mama mind these past few weeks. In the silence of rocking Milly at 2am, I am flooded with things to say and remember of this time in our life. Sometimes it's blissful joy (Morgan's wild & free backyardigan antics + Milly cooing & kicking away on the blanket looking up at the trees...) but mostly it's a what's next & who needs to be fed kind of hourly increments these days. When I say having a second child made me tap into my energy reserves, I cannot stress it enough. It's not that I'm just tired, tired is fine. Everyone is tired. It's that my mind is on overdrive during my wakeful hours. The hem & hawing of choosing to check of what needs to be done: bills, those dishes, sanitize bottles, SHAVE MY LEGS...or not think twice and just roll around in the grass with Morgan when Milly naps. To throw the necessities of homeownership to the wayside for another day and to be present for this fleeting period of a sunny summer day; this time when my girls are just little little little and I'm fortunate enough to witness and participate in it through & through. Did I mention that when my head hits the pillow after I pump & Millys dream feed I sleep HARD? For 5ish hours. Because hashtag 4 month sleep regression.
I wrote down a lot of things about Morgan's first year of life in different places: this blog, my moms one line a day book, a baby book, my personal journal...I skim back through them here and there looking for reassurance on days when I have zero ability to remember what week of life I took Morgan out of the swaddle for good (I took out for night sleep around 12wks right? But 12wks I was in Pittsburgh and I have pictures of her in Velcro swaddleme so it must've been later, but I swear it was 12wks! Much, MUCH later for naps. Do they not make XL swaddles for a reason? Maybe I have a Kickstarter campaign on my hands...). But I digress, I document it all not only for the few years later ability to check myself on things but really for decades down the road. When I'll actually have time to go through all of this and reminisce in full detail. And sit on a porch next to a retired Lee and skim through my thoughts of ages ago...of when I was drowning in clothing with spitup and breastmilk stains, when my hair was in a perpetual ponytail, when I prepped dinner with a super annoying kid cartoon on in the background (Team Umizoomi is real strange but Morgan loves it) & wearing Milly in the K'tan, when "mama I need you" was the incessant call whether in the form of toddler words or baby cries, when date night was imperative to stay connected even though we are both so damn exhausted.
It's a good life this one. A bit blurry from fragmented sleep but that's ok. Back at it...(someone just wrangled her little arm out of her swaddle. Hello my little Houdini...)