This week we're hoping to arrange for a part-time nanny to start, take Morgan to the daycare at Equinox, and attempt baby storytime at the library. And after a standoff of a few hours this weekend, our stingy little girl gave in and took the bottle again (twice!). Life is different, life is good, life is just where it's meant to be. Embracing it all on this Monday morning...
I wrote a terribly depressing post sometime last week and took it down after 36hrs. I wasnt ready to put that all out there yet and hit publish without thinking that one through. I then wrote a glaringly honest and post-partum anxiety tell it all email to my high school girlfriends on Saturday morning which had to leave them feeling like I was one crazy mama. Maybe not insane, but definitely they could sense my feelings of overwhelmingness through each line. What's going on in the world of Morganland is one that I think most moms emerge from after the adreneline wears off and your hair starts falling out (yep, those lucious pregnancy locks are now falling out like mad and I find them in clumps in my baby's tiny hands...gross)---it's that the new normal around here is quite literally nothing I have ever, ever experienced. I'm adapting daily and peeling back layers upon layers of who I am and revealing to myself all that I have the potential to be. I don't even recognize myself in the mirror some mornings as I put on the same pair of Lululemon pants and one of 4 long sleeved tees that I rotate along with my totally unsexy nursing bra, but I'm there underneath it all. My mind is mush and I'm laughing at how I made sure to stock up on my favorite makeup before Morgan was born because guess what, I put on makeup maybe 2x a week. And haven't even had to open any of it. "Did you shower while I was out at the gym?" my husband said on Sunday morning. "No, I just actually washed my face and straightened my hair and put on some mascara." That this scenerio has become our banter cracks me up. Even in the baby haze of those first 8 weeks, I had time to shower and I was fueled on some crazy concoction of hormones. As those all settle and I emerge from the newborn mama status, I'm simply a ponytailed mom who has a short term memory of a gnat. (Seriously, Lee has asked me to pick up bandaids for days now and even 4 reminders on my phone don't help.) I planned a little girls night with some friends for tonight and I hope and pray I can formulate a sentence without pausing to make sure I don't sound like a rambling idiot or look down and realize there is baby spit up on my shirt, then frantically mumble about how I have zero to talk about except for nap schedules and bedtime routines. The Sarah that I was is gone...gone in the way that I will never be the same person or Lee & I the same couple that we were pre-children. And that's OK! It will be years until we know the freedom like we had those first 2yrs of marriage. But finding myself and granting myself the grace to change and get through the thick of it (it's not going to be pretty) one day at a time? I can do this. I know I can.
This week we're hoping to arrange for a part-time nanny to start, take Morgan to the daycare at Equinox, and attempt baby storytime at the library. And after a standoff of a few hours this weekend, our stingy little girl gave in and took the bottle again (twice!). Life is different, life is good, life is just where it's meant to be. Embracing it all on this Monday morning...
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I realize this is a serious post but... .I mean... the hair. oh god the hair. Mine is still coming out. And I have weirdo frizzy non bang pieces in the front that fly out of the sock bun now. WHAT THE! Here's to hoping yours settles in a much nicer way than mine did :) PS you are doing great, this mom thing is always one day at a time. xo
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I'm so glad you wrote this. This is the post I should have written as one of my very first ones on P2P. Instead, I tried to pretend everything was perfect and happy and joyful and blissful and I should be thankful every second of the day BECAUSE that's what every other blogger new mom on the universe was saying and i felt like something was wrong with me for not actually feeling that way 100% of the time. (wow run on sentence). I think the hardest, HARDEST thing for me (and still is 90% of the time) was that my life changed 100% from the way it used to be, and even my husband's didn't change as much. Sure, he had a new baby--but his life generally stayed exactly the same. He didnt (and doesn't) have to worry about much more than himself most days because he knew I was there to be baby nurse (literally) all day. That was hard for me because I didn't think about that while I was pregnant. I thought once CG was here we would both be in this incredible new life together and we would do it all as a team. Which we DO--but not in the way I thought we would. When babies are small--moms HAVE to really do it all--especially when you're nursing. And the hormones...yikes. And the non-time to even think about looking pretty? double yikes. I guess what I'm trying to say is.....thanks for sharing the honest truth. I guarantee you every mom has felt this way. ;)
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Meg & Kendall, thanks for the commenary here. Alot of my courage to write about the highs & lows of motherhood stem from knowing that there are other moms like you out there that get it...and that can relate to it all on the most basic of levels. So appreciateive of you girls and the support!!
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AuthorSarah: one part of a family of THREE with my husband Lee and sweet girl Morgan, simply wanting to chronicle the path I'm on and the path that will come to be. For now it's NYC urban mamaville where everyday is a new adventure! (Actually, just getting to the post office is an adventure.) Ask Me Anything!Blogettes I LoveJoey & The Owl
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August 2015
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