(I wrote this this morning....posted late)
*It started on Monday.
*Slight chill, maybe a fever coming on?
*I feel off.
*No bikram tonight.
*Let's rest and get some more good sleep (although the weekend provided me with two nights of 10+hrs.)
*Work tasks dangling and needing to be completeed.
*Lots to accomplish before year's end.
*Questions abounding from the newbie, silence from the boss.
*Just get me through this week.
And then last night, a feeling that I thought I never would have to feel again since, I guess I would say, I found my life formula (yoga, mindful eating, deep breathing when stressed, lots of greens, intense cardio.) I didn't feel it post-hip surgery when I was left stagnant and fairly immobile for 10+ days. I didn't feel it in these past 2 months of travel and scheduling craziness...if anything I was proud of myself for normalizing to it being hectic without a breakdown where my mind and body hit it's limit. I just haven't felt it in years. It = the heaviness and pulsing anxiety in my chest accompanied by a dull sense of not caring and just wanting to be done, with everything, to crawl in bed and escape the world. Like a gust of panic mixed with chills of depressive energy. I know this sounds crazy, but to me it is a reality I used to face often, but havent experienced in years. (I couldn't even muster the energy to get myself to a spin class last night, which is what would have definitely made me feel better and I hated myself for that because I know better, I DO better.) The feeling is so disticnt (and I loathe this feeling so much...am repulsed by the thoughts and the person that I am when it emerges) that I literally feel like I'm in a time warp shouting to myself "No...NO. This doesnt happen to you anymore. YOU HAVE MOVED PAST THIS." And I sleep. I slept restlessly again for too many hours last night.
*And then I woke up.
*Snozed too many times.
*And I wrote this all down.
*Writing it all out, addressing that it is OK that it has happenend.
*Acknowledgement is power to me.
*Just like that, the feeling has passed.
*I hope I am granted a free pass for a number of years so as to not feel this again.
*But if I do, I just got through it fine...
*And could handle it again.