Barely functioning over here...lots of tears ("howww am I going to survive these next few weeks?")...just so tired. If I had more sleep this would all be a boat load easier. I would be able to complete sentences and not slur my speech. But for now, this is life. Full, changed, non-gas ball Morgan is a GEM. We are getting a hang on the witching hour and mechanisms to calm (ie- feeding every 1-1.5hrs) and still counting down the weeks til she smiles.
Thank you Morgan for these sweet bags under my eyes. And for making hilarious faces for the camera.
Barely functioning over here...lots of tears ("howww am I going to survive these next few weeks?")...just so tired. If I had more sleep this would all be a boat load easier. I would be able to complete sentences and not slur my speech. But for now, this is life. Full, changed, non-gas ball Morgan is a GEM. We are getting a hang on the witching hour and mechanisms to calm (ie- feeding every 1-1.5hrs) and still counting down the weeks til she smiles.
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...just a hodge podge of Morgan pics to satisfy friends and relatives and fill your love tank with baby cuteness :)
Fresh air, bundled Morgan, happy girls! This is becoming a necessary routine. Please stick around mild weather! You're welcome all winter long...
Ps: Carbs, it's been almost 10yrs, figured it was time to get a new pair of the NB574's;) Thank you Mrs Collins for my absolutely perfect knit hat for my walk through Central Park...I'm so stylin!! And for the LittleMe outfit from Miss Kendall & her girlies! We are spoiled around here...
A "keepin it real" top 10 post with title endorsement by my old friend, Mr. Chris Clermont:
1) Sleep deprivation. I'm living my life in 2-4 hours chunks. I honestly don't know how I'm surviving but I am. It isn't pretty but I think evolution gives you this extra adreneline to take care of a newborn of your own. For some reason her 4am cries aren't as brutal as I was anticipating. I may be in the 1% of Penn State mamas but for me, THON was worse. I was hallucinating at THON (I told my Dad they moved the stage to the opposite side of Rec Hall when I wasn't looking...) 2) I'd be lying if I said the compliments aren't nice to hear. After feeling like a sumo wrestler in the final weeks of pregnancy, having my body bounce back fairly quickly has been a miracle. I don't want to come across as bragadocious(thank you Erin Kelly Ward for that word;) and not touch upon the reality that is my body/situation: good genes play a huge part. Calculated timing on when I got pregnant and how I ate & worked out during those 10months are a big chunk of the equation, too. Yes, I posted on here photos of cookies and indulgences but really my eating choices are ones I make very specifically. And I worked out HARD up until 34wks. This bounce back is my reward I think. (Pregnancy bikram post coming soon...) 3) I do not want my Mom to leave! This top 10 is coming to you from Pinky nails as I enjoy a mani-pedi-chair massage. This will not be able to happen when she leaves nearly as often. Also, that extra set of hands is a godsend. And Morgan just loves her Gramma already! 4) Breastfeeding makes me a ravenously hungry. I was warned it would. Lee: is there any spinach left for dinner? Me: no, I ate the whole box today. Lee: (makes Homer Simpson eating noise directed at me) haha. 5) I look at families on the street with a whole different level of respect. Two kids or set of twins? I want to shake your hand. 6) Abby told me that if we can get through the first 6 weeks it really gets better. Matt agreed. We are halfway there. 7) Morgan's chubby rolls make me extremely happy. There's this double edged sword I am sure every Mom feels as their baby grows...excitement and satisfaction that they are healthy, sad as they move on from the newborn days. Lee says our return on investment right now is very low and is pushing hard for that first smile:) 8) Did I mention the sleep? Sometime I wake up in the middle of the night looking for a second baby. I'm clearly losing it. I go into the nursery, count one baby, and then look for the other for 30seconds before waking enough to crawl back into bed. CRAZY. 9) January TV shows that will become my guilty pleasures: GIRLS, The Bachelor (how adorable is this guy?) and Walking Dead. Anything else I should be watching mindlessly? 10) Send me your best mama tips for the witching hour. Morgan has here from 830-1030pm and it is brutal. She is inconsolable. And then wears herself out and passes out for a 4hr chunk of sleep. I take what I can get! (See photo on how we get through witching hour---white noise literally directly next to her. I would sit like this for hours if necessary. We also swaddle tight but this photo she was just changed and baby girl HATES the pacifier, but takes a bottle? Weird.) Having Gramma in town is the BEST! First date night out since little Morgan was born---so needed and quite simply the best 2 hours of time all week. Love our baby girl but time together was just what the doctor ordered. Technology put away (sans a photo recieved from Gramma with "shes asleep! see for yourself"), conversation beyond poopy diapers and gas... just the perfect QT with my best friend and baby daddy.
Oh and hello sushi, I have missed you so! While waiting for Gramma to arrive we: went to Equinox to freeze my membership til March (sad), picked up scones from Alice's Tea Cup + cookies from Levain (winning!), pizza lunch from Rigaletto (yum), and a green juice for good measure (mmm)!
All in all, a successful morning stroll :) I hit the 39th week of my pregnancy and just knew she'd arrive any day. Any second, really. I was that convinced. I had been having braxton hicks contractions since early on---been at the gym daily, bouncing on that damn ball, walking loops and loops of central park, hardly taking a taxi anywhere and determined to get this baby OUT. Friends from my past whose pregnancies I'd followed on Facebook all went "early." Women who had pregnancies that mirrored mine: active, healthy and fit. I'm not sure why I hung my hopes on a few other examples, but I did. And I wanted this baby to be born....
The days passed slowly. Painfully slowly. Lee & I were in this stagnant funk once the due date hit. We hardly talked about anything in those final days. Our exchanged looks conveyed it all: ancy anticipation + it was the largest wave of anxiety that I had felt since college. An anvil of pressure sat on my chest and compounded in nature with every "where is that baby?" ..."is the baby here yet?" text I would recieve from concerned and loving friends and family. I wanted to strangle each one of those messages as it made me feel equal parts defeated in that there was no news and anger towards those well-wishers. "You'll know when she arrives, promise" tended to be my response of choice although some friends got a bit more sass back and for that I apologize. I was teetering on the edge. I was sleeping restlessly. I had to engage in some major deep breathing exercises to simply relax before bed. And I was upset with myself, comforted only when I would hug Lee and he'd say "it's going to be OK babe, she'll be here so soon." (cry cry sniffle sigh.) Monday, Dec. 17th: I showered that morning. I washed my hair (something I only do 2-3x/week.) I put on makeup. (Three crucial things that made this birth day exponentially better looking back.) And I left for my 41 week appointment with at the OB. I took my normal waddle there...over to Central Park, south down to the 59th Street entrance, down 7th Avenue to the office. As soon as I got called into the room by the one nurse I absolutely hate in the office (has told me wrong information many times, made snide remarks about my weight gain, etc.), I knew the day had taken a turn. Blood pressure was up...and I mean really up. Throughout the entire gestation, my BP has been 110/60. That morning? 130/90. I blamed the nurse. Got attached to the Non Stress Test monitor and rechecked by the doctor. 130/80. Baby girl held steady at a 130 heart rate, cool as a fetal cucumber. I explained to the doc my high level of anxiety, visceral response to the young nurse, and asked her to take my BP again in 10min if I was allowed to relax. I'm sorry, but I need to send you to the hospital for better monitoring..." I think I grunted pretty loudly in annoyance. I was ticked off...today I was going to go to Chelsea and get a new pair of New Balances and a mani-pedi at my favorite salon by our old apartment. If the baby seems to be fine, just let me be. But off to the hospital I went. I walked, actually. Three avenues and 2 blocks over to St. Luke's Roosevelt: enjoy the breeze and calm yourself down, Sarah. I hit the corner of 59th & 9th and thought this monitoring at the hospital may take a number of hours so it was probably in my best interest to grab that deli egg & cheese on a roll now. SMART MOVE (which ended up being my final feast.) Yes, a dirty deli in Hells Kitchen meal alone in the window was my last meal before baby. Ah, New York... Once in triage and hooked up to the fetal monitor the PA there got all my vitals and said that the good news was that my doctor, Dr. Olivares, was on call that day and she was sending her over to chat with me about the "options." I immediately called Lee and told him to leave work and join me. What I thought was a routine fetal check was now becoming THE day. One of my biggest fears for delivery was being induced. I had planned and prepped for the stages of natural labor but not for induction. From everything that I had read, induction was a different ball game. Contractions, labor, everything would feel more intense, less controllable on my part. Once Lee arrived and Dr. O came to speak with us, it was clear: high blood pressure could lead to pre-eclamsia and we were having this baby most likely tomorrow. WOW. It started to sink in. Kindof? I felt unprepared. I felt weak. I felt like I was part of the maternity system where they put the fear of God in you that if you don't "get that baby out now," something bad would happen. I was cursing myself for being so strung out the days before as if staying more calm would've lead to a better natural birth outcome. I went there in my mind, and then let it go... 1pm: Lee was told to go home for a few hours, shower and get my hospital bag as once they put the Cervidil in, the process was just beginning and likely going to take hours and hours for my cervix to open up more (I was still just 1cm at my appointment that morning.) So off Lee went and I began texting my family and bests! Go-time! Induction is happening! Tomorrow will likely be the day! It was equal parts exciting and scary to know that the time had come, but so thrilling to feel all the positive vibes from those I love most. SKr and I began swapping pictures back and forth, keeping it all lighthearted as I started this journey. And then the contractions begin. Ooof. Okay, I can handle these (30min or so of what seemed to be a build up...) I am fine, totally fine. No need to buzz for the nurse, I got this. Lee will be back in 2hrs or so, I can do this. And then it just happened. I went from what felt like 0 to 100 in just a few contractions. Quickly text Lee: Please get back here, contractions are intense. His reply? Okay, Downton Abbey is still downloading, I'll be back in an hour. GET HERE NOW. I pretended I was in bikram, breathing through each opening sequence with grace and openness. I envisioned myself on a long walk through the woods, each tree one step closer to the mountain top. 2.5 hours have passed, Lee returns, another hour passes, and I'm finally checked: 3.5cm with contractions lasting 1min every 30 seconds. My body was on overdrive. I didn't even have pitocin yet! Eff. (Oddly enough, I was in the 1% of women who don't need Pitocin once given the Cervidil. I felt very good about this, hung my hat on that one.) 430pm: I ask for the epidural, this is exactly what I didn't want to have happen. Drugs setting off this spin of reactions in my body unnatural that I couldn't breathe them away. It was all happening too fast. But I make peace with the decision...and transition into a state of labored bliss. Defeated yet happy. I don't really know what to make of it all in that moment. The lights are dimmed in the room and I'm told to rest, but I can't. I feel like I'm watching the movie of my delivery and unable to wrap my head around the fact it is actually happening. A few hours pass, at some point I reach 8cm, maybe around 8pm? This chunk of time is hazy to me. 945pm: My doctor had already gone home for the night under the assumption that progress wouldnt be so quick, that around noon on the 18th I would have the baby. She returns, examines me and we are at 10cm ready to go. Time slows down, the room becomes silent with only the russling of paper gowns being tied, medical instruments being set out, Lee standing guard over me squeezing my hand. Miguel, my (yes male) L&D nurse turns on the bassinet warmer. I remember thinking "wait, already? she's coming that soon?" And things get going...in the most peaceful and zen and remarkably non-dramatic fashion. With just 2 nurses, Dr. O, Lee & myself...the pushing begins. Dr. O counts down each contraction in such a soothing voice, I push without making a sound. I glance at Lee between contractions, both sets of eyes glassy with tears on the edge. We do this about 10 times I believe, the aura in that room staying so tranquil you could hear a pin drop. And with one final push, out she came! 10:50pm: Time freezes. She cries and wimpers and I notice for the first time that fuzzy blonde hair. I cant take my eyes off her. She's here! Morgan Anne Markle, welcome to this world! I'm biting my lip to keep from ugly crying, but the tears are flowing and I hold that baby tight and close to keep her warm. The following hours stay dream-like to me. I remember her being on my chest and nursing right away but I'm not sure for how long...Lee & I simply stare at her, soaking in the moment, in awe of this precious life. I don't want to let her go, not even to get measured and weighed and given to Daddy while I get taken care of... As they say, the rest is history. She slept on my chest that entire first night, and part of the second. I couldn't bear to be even inches apart from her. We snuggled and talke about all the things we will do in life together, but mostly just told her how much she is loved. More than she'll ever know...more than I'll ever be able to express. Our hearts are so very full because of you sweet Morgan. Just like that...parenthood begins :) New Years Eve: woke up after feeding at 11:57 and rang in our first baby style New Years, no tv on to see the ball drop, counted down with the crazies outside our apt building...kissed Morgan's sweet cheeks and it was a year complete.
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AuthorSarah: one part of a family of THREE with my husband Lee and sweet girl Morgan, simply wanting to chronicle the path I'm on and the path that will come to be. For now it's NYC urban mamaville where everyday is a new adventure! (Actually, just getting to the post office is an adventure.) Ask Me Anything!Blogettes I LoveJoey & The Owl
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August 2015
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