The blustering winds and wet snow are doing a winter dance outsite our bedroom window. One room away, she sleeps soundly. Swaddled tight as she likes, snug and cozy in her nursery. I have to let go of the worry---the constant mama brain that has completely taken over all of who I am these past 11.5wks or madness is going to ensue! To stop questioning myself and every move I make with my little girl....and simply start (really, not just momentarily) ENJOYING her. And I do. Those moments in the morning where her coos and babbles and squawks mark the beginning of our day are my favorite. Somewhere in those AM hours is where my mind starts fluttering. From nursing times to baby poops to bottles and schedules, I become bound by my own anxiety to make sure everything is just.right. Talking it through with my Mom, my MIL and a few close friends this week and certainly Lee, I have reached a point where it can go no further. I just have trust myself moreso than I already am. Perfection parenting does not exist and trying to be one step ahead of her at every moment of the day is not only taxing...it's BINDING. It keeps me indoors all day when I want to get outside. My fear of her not napping enough or eating at just the right moment hinders me from running errands. To be honest, I don't even mind the homebody nature of having a newborn...it's simply that I need to allow myself to breathe outside the confines of keeping her day "perfect." Last night, her bedtime nursing session was frazzled, so I nursed her again at 10pm and found myself with tears streaming down my face as I nuzzled her close. This little peanut is now double her size since birth and looking more and more like a BABY. The weeks are zipping by and living in the present, breathing in the sweetness of her infanthood, is something that I want to do with all that I am.
Reset button has been pressed!
ps: as if the universe was speaking to me today: a kind reminder from a mother who lost her son:
"What I’d like to say to the parents of healthy children: A child is a person, not a project. Ease up. Chaos will find all of us eventually, but in the moment, how can you be fully present? How can you love your child purely and simply, with no agenda, without a goal, without a net?"